Confusion about newborn sleep
If you are a new parent most likely you have heard one or both of these phrases many times:
“Be careful - you should definitely not hold a baby when they are sleeping too much or they’ll never sleep without being held. “
“You can’t spoil a new baby so hold them as much as you want!”
So which one is true?
In my opinion, they are both right and also neither one is the whole story. Last night I was discussing the first three months of infant sleep with a new Mom. Her baby is 6 weeks old and she feels like she is in survival mode. According to her, she worries she is doing “all the wrong things” and feels anxious that her baby will never sleep well. She said she’s also heard that you can’t “spoil” a new baby and this has led to confusion and anxiety for her. Supporting new parents in understanding the range of normal for newborn sleep and to dispel myths out there that cause confusion is my passion! Our conversation was long and nuanced so I might have talked for longer than she wanted!
Newborns and infants are just getting used to this new and strange life outside of the womb. They are developing so rapidly and learning how to eat in a new way and to just be in the world. They need our love and affection and to be soothed by things like rocking, shushing, movement, etc. That includes plenty of time being held and being close to their parents or other caregivers.
Some babies naturally can be put down in a bassinet or crib and achieve long stretches of day or night sleep without lots of rocking/holding, etc. Beginning to work on having them fall asleep on their own can be a fairly simple task with almost no crying involved. For other babies, almost as soon as they are put down they begin to cry and if they are set down to try and fall asleep on their own, they will cry for a very long time. Babies have different needs and temperaments. Both of these babies can eventually learn to sleep well but the approach and timeline will most likely be different for each one.
Babies are constantly learning and creating associations. If a baby is being held or rocked for most of their naps each day then they form those sleep associations. It’s difficult for them to achieve sleep without them. We can change these associations but it does take time and there can be some frustration on the part of the baby. Just like we might be frustrated if we have always fallen asleep in one particular way and then all of a sudden that particular way is not available to us. Babies are also very adaptable and able to create new associations quite quickly and therefore able to learn how to fall asleep in a new manner.
So working on sleep from the beginning with newborns can be a great way to do it. Also, not actively working on sleep with newborns and having babies sleep held in arms, or in whichever manner helps them achieve that sleep easiest, also works. It would just mean that at some point, if parents wanted their babies to achieve more independent sleep, they would have to work on creating new sleep associations for their baby with consistency and patience.